Archive | February, 2011

10 New Rules of the Slasher Flick

16 Feb

Over the years we have heard the rules of the slasher flick, DO NOT be a minority, DO NOT have sex, DO NOT be a jerk (or you will die).  In the wake of the upcoming Scream 4 (new generation, new rules) I have decided to create a list of the new rules of the slasher film, and what YOU can do to survive.

Aww now see that? Thats just plain motivation.

1.  If you are a main character, you only now have a 50% chance at survival.  With new slashers trying to keep you guessing til the very end, this rule has been modified.  This also goes without saying that if you are in a Saw film, and are portraying a main character, your chances of surviving are only 5%.  (These are not mathematically proven figures).

2.  If you have a pet, be prepared that it is most likely going to die.  If your pet plays a bigger part in this movie, he/she is just laying in wait for a massacre.  Nowadays, pets are seen as little saviours, maybe they come between the killer and his victim at some point in the movie, and thus making them that much more delicious looking to a demon/ghost/back-hills cannibalistic hick.

3.  Children are either evil or psychic.  No matter who you are, or what relationship you have to this child, he/she will either end up trying to murder you and everyone you hold dear, or will be able to see the evil and likely understand what it wants.  If the child ends up being perfectly normal, prepare yourself for a possession.

4.  Whenever you need to find information about the ghost/demon, through extensive internet searches you will eventually be led to a badly lit scene of a farmhouse set on the outskirts of a forest where a child used to live.  Here, you will find the information that you need.  Nobody cares about microfiche anymore.  Its a lost art.  Microfiche will not only get you nowhere, but the viewers will laugh every time you say “microfiche”.

5.  If you find yourself in a horror film and you are alone in your house and everything is silent, make some noise, or turn on the friggin television, silence is the easiest time for the ghost/demon to scare the snot out of you.  But, you won’t die or anything.  That comes later.

6.  If you just bought a new video camera, and some strange things started happening recently (monsters start tearing up the town, ghosts are in your house, a virus breaks out), DON’T capture it on film.  Because as soon as you turn that camera on, you are a part of a really annoying scary movie.  And you WILL die.  Especially don’t run with the camera, things get shaky.  And more annoying.

7.  If you have just adopted a child, chances are she (I say she because its always the little girl) is evil, and as soon as weird stuff starts happening, kill her.  Kill her dead.  Don’t even try to give her back.  Because its going to end that way anyway, just get it out of the way now before you get attached.  Or before people start to wonder about your sanity.  “She’s just a little GIRL Renee Zellweger!”

And she is WATCHING you.

8.  As I stated above about dealing with children, girls are mostly evil, BUT little boys are usually helpful.  They are not nearly as scary as little girls, and when dealing with a horror movie situation trust the little boy and leave the little girl behind.  Chances are the ghost/demon will let that evil little girl live anyway.  Because they’re probably on the same team.

9.  If you are in college, just give up on life now.  Don’t trust your roommate, your boyfriend is going to die, and if you live in residence, you’re screwed.  Its probably best to just drop out and start a blog or something o.O

10.  And finally:  If you are a virgin, go have sex immediately.  Because not only does that not save you anymore, but it pretty much makes you one of the first to go.  Especially if you are open about your love for God.  You’re going to die.  So keep your religion to yourself, and don’t be a virgin.  (That being said, don’t give it all away either.  It’s neither attractive nor helpful in being able to get out of murderous situations.)

There you have it folks, my 10 new rules of the slasher flick.  Hope you enjoyed, and please, PLEASE, go turn the friggin TV on.  I do this because I care.

Animals in Horror -or- Why we’re all a bunch of sociopaths…

15 Feb

This week on Ashes and Rashes, I have a little question for you.  How many of you cry in a movie (or at least are very disturbed) when an animal bites it?

Now, how many of the same people would cry when a person dies in a movie?  Now, keep in mind, when you watched Saw 1 through 800, I guarantee you didn’t cry once, unless you’re a big sissy.  Put in place of that human being (a being that shares the exact same feelings and attributes as you do) an animal, a dog perhaps.  Now, this dog has been put through a lot in life, he had to be muzzled maybe after biting a human, or what have you, but a dog nonetheless.  He has paid for his bitey sins through canine guilt, the saddest god damned thing in the world.  And now, Jigsaw, being not quite satisfied with those sad puppy eyes, has decided to string him up on a device that slowly pulls his limbs off one by one.

You are crying right now!!!  And its not even happening!!!

What drives us as human beings to be so empathetic with another species while our own has her hands trapped in a device and the only way to get out is to cut her own wrists?

"I forgot to feed my caaaaaaaat!!!"

You might pipe up and say, “Well, Jessie, animals are just so innocent they don’t deserve it.” And in some cases I believe you.  In this day and age, animals just don’t understand, and we as humans should protect them and the earth.  But do you assume then, that a human being DOES deserve it?  Do you assume that it is any better to let a poor man suffer sawing off his own leg because he cheated on his wife once?  (Well maybe.)

Take the Stephen King classic Pet Sematary for example.  (Major Spoilers Alert!)  When Church (the fun loving dead-alive cat) ran onto the road and was hit by an eighteen wheeler, you were devastated!!!  But when the reanimated corpse of Gage came back and slowly hacked his mother and Jud Crandall to pieces with a scalpel, we were just scared that he was going to come and kill us!

Remember Secret Window?  (Another of Mr. King’s, I know.)  When Mort Rainey goes outside to find his loving dog Chico with a screwdriver in his head, we were revolted and mildly disturbed.  But at the end when he decides to take a shovel to his wife and her new boyfriend, we kind of think Johnny Depp looks a little hot, all dashing and murderous-like.

Hhhnnnnnnggggggg

Urban Legend: (Spoilers) Dog meets his end in a microwave, horrifying.  Man gets a funnel of drain-o down his throat?  He kiiiind of had it coming.

Drag me to Hell: (Spoilers) Kitten gets sacrificed for the greater good, its the saddest part in the entire movie.  Alison Lohman gets ripped, burned and well, dragged into Hell, and we might laugh a little.  Although Justin Long’s puppy eyes at the end make it a little sad.  But there it is again!  PUPPY EYES.

PUUUUPPYYYY

It all comes down to this my friends:  We might say that we love our fellow man, give peace a chance, love thy neighbour and all that, but deep down inside, we’re all a bunch of animal-loving sociopaths.

P.S. At the end of every movie, we wait for the classic “No Animals Were Harmed In the Making of this Film” but not a one of us will wait for a “No Humans Were Harmed…”

I rest my case.